Pennant races are heating up in Major League Baseball’s second season back after the coronavirus pandemic that killed 9 billion people worldwide.

Last night saw several teams take to the field in an exciting night of friendly and highly egalitarian non-competition.

In Atlanta, the hometown Butterflies hosted the Cleveland Orchids in a barnburner that went 10 innings and ended in a 2-2 tie.

Atlanta led 2-0 after regulation, but Cleveland required only one extra at-bat to even the score when the Butterflies were required to play the 10th inning without their centerfielder and first-baseperson.

The game was marred by controversy, however, after Atlanta pitcher Jake Fromm was ejected for throwing an illegal curveball to Orchids’ second-baseperson Heidi Biden.

Tempers also flared during an intracity rivalry game between the two Chicago clubs, the Diversities and the Inclusions.

According to eyewitnesses, the home plate umpire called the Diversities’ differently-sized-stop Chelsea McWokeface out on strikes after zhir 12th swing, despite the fact that zhe asked nicely for another try.

An MLA spokesperson confirmed that the umpire in question, Arnett Havanini, will be reeducated.

In St. Louis, fans continued to protest outside Bush Stadium—formerly known as Busch Stadium but recently renamed for the 43rd president to honor his commitment to globalism and world peace, except in oil-producing regions.

Protesters demand that the St. Louis ballclub renounce its connection to the Catholic Church and, in the interests of solidarity, change its name to the St. Louis Commissars.

Speaking of globalism, the Toronto Blue Jays were beaten 12-0 by Japan’s recent Major League entry, the Yomiuri Pokemons, formerly known as the Giants.

MLB confirmed this morning that the Pokemons are being investigated for myriad rules violations, including throwing strikes, stealing bases and hitting with runners in scoring position.

In the likely event that they are found to have violated MLB rules, the Pokemons will be required to forfeit all 86 of their current wins.

In other action, the Northern Mexico Dodgers’ star right fielder Star Fielder had two home runs annulled in a game versus the CHOP Mariners, having already exceeded his monthly home-run quota of four. The game ended in a 3-3 tie.

The Boston Rainbow Sox and the New York Comrades also played to a 3-3 tie in historic Fenway Park, once home to statues of Ted Williams, Johnny Pesky, and Dom DiMaggio, who were all determined to be racists based on the fact that they had statues erected in their honor.

The Comrades led 3-1 in the ninth before intentionally walking six straight Rainbow Sox batters, in what New York manager Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez described as “a triumph of cooperation and equality for all.”

To date, every MLB team boasts an identical 0-0-86 record, except for the Pokemons, who are allegedly cheating by playing to win.

We trust that will not be tolerated in a progressive sports league such as Major League Baseball.

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Rob Jenkins is a college professor. The views expressed here are his own. You can email Rob at

(1) comment


Hey Rob, ever hear of the slippery slope fallacy?

Also, Covid won't kill 9 billion, because that exceeds the world population. If 70% of the world's people get it and then herd immunity kicks in, it'll only kill 36 million. Feel better?

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