As you may have heard by now, the College Board has decided to make sweeping changes to the SAT, the Scholastic Aptitude Test, used by colleges and universities across America as a key factor in admissions decisions. Those changes are set to take effect in 2016.
Apparently the College Board has determined that the current version of the test discriminates against low-income families, based on evidence that children from those families historically don’t score as high as their more affluent counterparts. Since that discrepancy obviously cannot be attributed to heredity, work ethic, family structure, or the fact that affluent kids typically attend better high schools, it must be the test.
Specifically, the College Board has expressed its commitment to making the test more “equitable” by re-designing it to be more “relevant” to today’s teenagers.
You might be pleased to know that, through a connection in the NSA — where I almost went to work several years ago, but that’s another story — I have managed to obtain an advanced, “beta” copy of the new test. Here are some of the questions:
Tweet is to post as:
A. Kanye is to Kim
B. Rap is to hip-hop
C. Kanye is to Taylor
D. Justin is to Miley
Droid is to iPhone as:
A. R2D2 is to C3PO
B. Halo is to Call of Duty
C. Gale is to Peeta
D. “The Walking Dead” is to “Breaking Bad”
Social is to network as:
A. Venti is to grande
B. Harry is to Potter
C. Harry is to Hermione
D. President is to Obama
Snap is to chat as:
A. Video is to game
B. Face is to book
C. Joy is to stick
D. Reality is to show
Texting is to calling as:
A. Jimmy is to Jay
B. Car is to horse
C. Wall is to screen
D. 4G is to 3G
Girlfriend is to homework as:
A. Key is to test
B. Internet is to essay
C. Cheat code is to game
D. Cram is to study
Which of the following contains the correct use of “selfie?”
A. Brandon wouldn’t share his stash with his roommates because he was too selfie.
B. To be successful in college, one must take responsibility for one’s selfie.
C. The great thing about first-person shooter games is that you can play them by your selfie.
D. President Obama and the Danish Prime Minister posed for a selfie at Nelson Mandela’s memorial service.
Which of the following contains the best use of “like?”
A. Sarah was, like, totally freaking out.
B. I like two shots of vanilla in my latte.
C. So I was like, whatever.
D. If you like my page, I’ll like you back.
The answers, by the way, are b, c, d, b, b, c, d, and a. If you didn’t know that, well, I guess you can kiss that scholarship to Harvard goodbye.
Rob Jenkins is a local freelance writer and the author of “Family Man: The Art of Surviving Domestic Tranquility,” available at Books for Less and on Amazon. Email Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org or follow him on Twitter @FamilyManRob.