Pop quiz: What kind of dog are you?
According to the great and wonderful Internet, knower of all things useless, I should be a pug.
I discerned this bit of information by sharing with a website called Buzzfeed such important character traits as my favorite way to cure a hangover (greasy food) and my go-to dance move (grinding, duh.)
At the end of this highly scientific survey, the Internet told me that, as a “pug,” I am hilarious and adorable. So obviously some of these are dead-on accurate.
Others, not so much.
For instance, the Internet told me what kind of food I am: Sushi.
Those who know me, know I hate sushi. HATE sushi. HATE HATE HATE HATE sushi. I’d rather eat soap. Or dirt. Maybe even the worm you used to catch the fish that you then, for some reason known only to the devil, DIDN’T COOK. And then served to me and expected me to eat it.
So far, the Internet quizzes are 1-1.
Onward I pushed though, because I need to know things, like whether I’m cool (They should call you Johnny Cash because you walk the line between cool and just … something else) or how much I love pizza. (That one was a trick question. You were supposed to pick your favorite part of the pizza, but if you don’t pick the entire pizza, you don’t really love pizza.)
I figure that one is a push. Because I love me some pizza, no matter what the stupid Internet says.
My “Game of Thrones” character is Robb Stark, King of the North, which has a nice ring to it. Plus, I allegedly have royal blood. Many hundreds of years ago there was a king named McCullough, but he didn’t get any cool nickname like Lionhearted or The Brave. No, they called him The Unfortunate. So we don’t talk about him so much at reunions.
My “Walking Dead” character, though, is Rick, the leader, which seems appropriate. I like to think I’d be useful in a zombie apocalypse, as long as it’s those slow, bumbling zombies. If it’s those crazy-fast zombies like in “28 Days Later” then I’m pretty much going to be a big dinner for someone.
My “Downton Abbey” character is Carson the butler, which again makes perfect sense, because sometimes I wish the world didn’t move quite so fast either.
Since I was a teenager in the ’80s I had to know what ’80s icon I would be (Bruce Springsteen, otherwise known as The Boss — starting to sense a trend?)
And since my business is words, I had to know what font I would be. The answer: wingdings. I started to write the column in wingdings in celebration, but since they’re just symbols and not letters that seemed counterproductive — almost as counterproductive as taking a what-to-have-for-lunch quiz at 11 p.m. (The answer was burrito, and we all know that’s good for any meal. Hey, they make breakfast burritos.)
If I were president, I’d be Ulysses S. Grant. I don’t know if I’d be buried in Grant’s Tomb, but he is one dead president, so naturally, I needed to know what kind of ghost I’d be. (Poltergeist, because the Internet says I’m “an enormous pain in the —-.”)
But one of the quizzes was even spookier in its accuracy. When I asked what kind of career I should have, it returned “Writer.”
I’ll let you be the judge of that.
Email Nate McCullough at email@example.com. His column appears on Fridays. For archived columns, go to www.gwinnettdailypost.com/natemccullough.