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MCCULLOUGH: Maybe Magic Eight Ball has Syria answers

Nate McCullough

Nate McCullough

I’m not going to claim to understand all the ins and outs of the Syria crisis.

I don’t know why they’re fighting each other and I really don’t care.

I don’t know who actually struck who with chemical weapons because all of this alleged irrefutible evidence is apparently classified, so we’re supposed to take a bunch of lying politicians’ word for it. Can you imagine going to court accused of a crime? And then the prosecution said, “We’ve got you dead to rights. But we’re not telling you why.” And then the judge banged his gavel and yelled, “Guilty!” Wouldn’t seem right.

I also don’t know if President Bashar al-Assad is a monster or a swell guy. And as for our president, I don’t know if he has any idea about what his constitutional powers actually are. I know he sure gets angry when he doesn’t get his way. And could he have looked more foolish (and the U.S. any weaker) last Saturday when he went on television thumping his chest and beating his war drum and then coming out with the “but …”?

Seriously, he’s like the guy who tells you during third period that he is going to beat your brains out after school, and then, when the time comes, “Uh, my mom is going to be so mad if I get these new pants dirty. But if I weren’t wearing them …” And then he shakes his fist and runs away.

Here’s something I do know: If we do attack — and all signs point to yes, as the Magic Eight Ball on my desk says — and we take the side of the rebels, we’re getting onboard with the guy who cut out a man’s heart and ate it on YouTube a few months back. And that guy is apparently supported by al-Qaida, who I thought we were against. (I asked the Magic Eight Ball about that one, too, and it said, “Better not tell you now,” which is disconcerting.)

But of all the things I do know, don’t know or think I know about Syria, this is one of which I’m sure: They can’t say we didn’t warn them.

In all the fights I ever fought in my younger days, not once did I ever tell a guy ahead of time. Never did I say, “I’m coming over to your house a month from Wednesday to beat you up.”

I didn’t do that because it’s stupid, which is why reading this phrase in the Wall Street Journal bothered me so much: “… Pentagon concerns that Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has dispersed his military equipment …”

You think? I know if the world’s most powerful military had threatened to bomb my 3/4 of an acre in Barrow County — and had given me a few week’s warning — I would start moving all the stuff I didn’t want broken.

I guess I should just be thankful the government hasn’t threatened to bomb me yet. I did use some chemicals (Lysol) to kill some mold in the bathroom recently. If our government is on al-Qaida’s side, maybe it supports mold now, too. Then again, I didn’t phone or email anyone about it, so maybe the NSA hasn’t gotten wind of it. Maybe I should ask the Magic Eight Ball. In fact, maybe our government should ask it what to do next when it comes to Syria.

The Eight Ball certainly couldn’t do any worse.