Stupid is as stupid does and it does a lot
The Mayans may have been right after all. Perhaps they were just a little off on the date, because surely the human race has become too stupid to continue.
How so? Let's start at the headquarters for stupid, Washington D.C. Another debt ceiling fight is looming with the country needing a few more trillion dollars to stave off a default/recession/depression/the end of the world. One solution that's being floated around this time is a trillion-dollar coin.
That's right. Apparently there is a loophole in the law that allows the U.S. mint to create coins and assign any valuation it wants, as long as the coin is made out of platinum. So, the theory goes, you make a trillion-dollar coin, deposit it with the Federal Reserve and voila! problem solved. At least for a little while.
I don't know what's dumber, that the people backing this don't realize it's no different than cranking up the money-printing presses or that the people opposed to it don't realize how our monetary system works. Those folks put out an ad saying a platinum coin worth a trillion dollars would sink the Titanic. It doesn't have to literally contain a $1 trillion worth of platinum. It only has to be deemed worth that much. As many pundits have pointed out in comparison, a $5 bill in your pocket doesn't contain $5 worth of paper either. It's worth what the issuing institution -- the Fed -- says it's worth.
Either way, the idea reminds me of the time Saddam Hussein "won" an election 11 million votes to 0. With a 100 percent turnout. It's easy to shape the future when your motto is "The truth is whatever we say it is."
If the coin business doesn't make you scratch your head, maybe ESPN's apology after the national title game will. Apparently the sports network was worried someone would be offended that Brent Musberger said the Alabama quarterback's model girlfriend was good-looking.
Really? Now we apologize for compliments? Where will this end?
The company would like to extend its sincerest apologies on behalf of Bob Smith, former VP of marketing, for complimenting your new sports car. Neither Smith nor the company in any way intended to imply that by owning a sports car that you were successful or "rich" as Bill Jones, former VP of accounting, put it. Also, neither Smith, Jones nor the company would imply that you are not rich or successful. In fact, Smith, Jones and the company would like to take this opportunity to say that we make no observation other than 1) you own a car 2) it is new.
Nothing further is implied or should be inferred, and we refer you to our legal department for any further clarification.
Phil Theerich, CEO
cc: Sleez, Ebottom, Feeders, attorneys at law
Yeah. Dumb. But the quarterback's girlfriend didn't seem to mind. Said Katherine Webb: "The fact that he said we were beautiful and gorgeous, I don't think any woman wouldn't be flatterd by that.... I don't think I needed an apology."
No. You didn't.
And finally, an event that should go down in the Stupid Hall of Fame: Two guys in Russia got inside a giant inflatable ball -- the equivalent of a human-sized hamster ball -- and were pushed down a ski slope in the Caucasus Mountains. Shockingly, the ball went out of control ... and over a cliff. One guy was hurt, the other died.
Yep. Dead. Because he voluntarily got inside a giant plastic ball -- which, oddly enough, does not come with a steering wheel -- and was pushed down a rocky mountain toward a cliff, which he went over. And then he and his partner hit a lot of hard stuff.
Folks, like the saying goes, you can't make this stuff up. I wish I had.
And like Ron White says, you can't fix stupid. But I guess we can always hope the Mayans just got their math wrong.
But they were probably stupid, too.
Email Nate McCullough at firstname.lastname@example.org. His column appears on Fridays. For archived columns, go to www.gwinnettdailypost.com/natemccullough.