Our old friend is in trouble again.
You may remember Beezow Doo-doo Zoppitybop-bop-bop from a column I wrote a while back about people with weird names. His is my all-time favorite strange moniker.
Shockingly, Zoppitybop-bop-bop, 32, has been arrested once again. On drug charges. Again.
I guess when you have a name like Beezow Doo-doo Zoppitybop-bop-bop, you’re sort of obligated to pop up in the news every once in awhile. I wonder if Mr. Zoppitybop-bop-bop has given any thought to changing his name to Carl or Bob or something and maybe trading the drug habit for something a little more useful, like working. Then again, it’s pretty hard to fathom what’s in the head of a guy named Zoppitybop-bop-bop.
Speaking of weird names, I’m sure you’ve heard of the dispute in Tennessee over the baby Messiah. No, not the Baby Jesus. A baby named Messiah. Or so it was. Until the judge taketh away the infant’s handle.
The parents of said baby are a Jaleesa Martin and a man named McCullough (nooooooo relation. Seriously). The parents couldn’t agree on what the last name of the baby was going to be, so the case ended up in court. But it was the first name that gave Magistrate Lu Ann Ballew pause. She ordered that the baby be named Martin DeShawn McCullough. No reference to the Messiah was allowed.
Mama Martin is appealing, of course, and will apparently be aided by the ACLU, which hasn’t found a weird cause yet that it wouldn’t support. I really hope she loses, not because the judge imposed her religious beliefs, which she clearly did as evidenced by her public statement, but because someone has to stop this woman from imposing a lifetime of ridicule on a human being. It’s your baby, not a pet. Feel free to name your dog Rounder or Fershizzle or Shoo-be-doo-wah. Give your kid a name that allows them to retain their dignity.
Over in Germany, though, you might pick a name for your baby, but you no longer have to pick the gender.
Yes, from the country that brought you bitter beer, bad techno music and the V-2 rocket, now comes the option to leave your baby’s gender blank on the birth certificate. But only if it’s really, really hard to tell.
The new law allows the parents of hermaphrodites (that’s people with both sex organs) to leave the gender blank, presumably until the kid can figure out what he/she is later in life. That actually makes perfect sense to me.
What doesn’t make sense is Germany’s ruling that anybody can identify as any gender, as long as they feel it “deeply.” In other words, you can be a man physically, but you can mark woman on your drivers license, no operation necessary.
I’m sorry, but I think if you’re going to switch teams in print, you ought to make it official and have the surgery.
Then again, who am I to be preaching? It’s not like I’m a Messiah or anything.
Even if my last name is McCullough.
Email Nate McCullough at firstname.lastname@example.org. His column appears on Fridays.