Some fantasy headlines I'd love to see
I tend to daydream. Sometimes I look at the shape of the clouds above me and I can see a tea kettle or maybe the little fat guy that runs North Korea. And then sometimes I just close my eyes and think of headlines I would like to see, such as:
OBAMA SAYS TELEPROMPTERS MAKE HIM SAY DUMB THINGS
In the Rose Garden today, Pres. Barack Obama admitted that swinging his head back-and-forth between Teleprompters makes him dizzy and as a result, he says some "very dumb" things without thinking. His comment that if he had a son, he would look like Trayvon Martin was, he admitted, totally inappropriate and only served to heighten racial tensions and if the accused is tried and acquitted, could lead to ugly riots. "Hey," said the president, "you try swiveling your head from side-to-side and reading what somebody has written for you and see how smart you sound. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go pop a couple of Dramamine."
LEGISLATOR APOLOGIZES FOR MISLEADING THE PUBLIC
House Speaker Pro Tem Jan Jones (R-Alpharetta) held an impromptu news conference at the Capitol to admit she may have misled the public in her promotion of the charter school constitutional amendment. Jones said she probably should have mentioned that she had gotten $1,000 in political contributions from Charter Schools USA, a Florida-based charter school management company. I should have been more forthright," she said, "although political contributions don't affect how I vote, by golly." To prove her point, Jones promised to vote against the amendment this November.
OCCUPY PROTESTERS VOW TO CHANGE SYSTEM FROM WITHIN AND TO SHOWER
Protesters who have been a part of the Occupy movement across the nation said today that they realized they were being used as dupes by labor unions and other liberal special interest groups and that the best way to change things in the country would be for them to go get jobs, pay taxes and vote, instead of blocking streets and harassing law-abiding citizens. "We regret having to make this decision because we love being on television and not having to be responsible for anything," said a spokesperson. "First, though, we will need to take a shower. We smell like rotten sweat socks."
FORMER GOV. PERDUE SAYS FISHING FACILITY A FLOP AND NOW SUPPORTS GOAT PROGRAM
Former Gov. George E. Perdue admitted today that his pet project, the $19 million Go Fish Georgia Educational Center in Perry, has flopped like a fish out of water. The estimated annual attendance at the center was projected to be 200,000 in it first year of operation. However, that number turned out to be 15,000 and most of the attendees were real estate agents trying to sell Mr. Perdue more land. The former governor said he should have listened to a certain modest and much-beloved columnist who had proposed "Go Watch Goats Eat Kudzu," in which busloads of Yankees would pay to come watch goats eat kudzu on the interstates and to buy pot likker in Mason jars because they would be told it was moonshine. "In retrospect, I should have realized that nobody wants to watch a bunch of stupid fish swim around," said Perdue, "They would much rather drink pot likker and watch goats eat kudzu."
ARABS SPRING HAS SPRUNG. NOTHING HAS CHANGED.
Officials from Egypt and Libya announced today that nothing is going to change in those countries in spite of the promise of an "Arab Spring." a movement that many had hoped would replace dictators with democracies. "Oh Pooh," said Sheik Abdul Abdul, "this isn't about democracy. This is about the Islamic movement taking control and getting back to the basics like stoning bad guys and making women second-class citizens." The sheik did promise, however, to sell the state of Georgia all the goats it wanted. "Whoever thought up 'Go Watch Goats Eat Kudzu' is one smart infidel."
SCIENTISTS DISCOVER MIRACLE FOOD: BANANA PUDDING
Government scientists said today that Americans need to eat more banana pudding. Banana pudding has all the essential vitamins and minerals of broccoli, plus some we haven't even discovered yet. Farmers promised to eradicate broccoli immediately and plant lots of banana trees.
I doubt I will ever see these headlines but all is not lost. I just saw a cloud floating by that looks like a Bulldog eating a Yellow Jacket. I'll take that.
Email columnist Dick Yarbrough at email@example.com. For archived columns, go to www.gwinnettdailypost.com/dickyarbrough.