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MCCULLOUGH: Yerkes monkey: 'Get off my back'

This week we bring you an exclusive interview with the missing Yerkes monkey, courtesy of our crack correspondent, Elrod Fontana.

Elrod: Let’s start with the basics. Name, make and model.

Monkey: They never really gave me a name. Since I’ve disappeared into thin air I guess you can call me Houdini. Then again, I am a girl so I’d prefer a girl’s name, but I don’t know any female magicians to name myself after. Hmmm ... I’m a runaway primate. What was that other primate’s name that ran away?

Elrod: You mean the Runaway Bride?

Monkey: That’s her. What was her name?

Elrod: Jennifer.

Monkey: Let’s go with that. But shorten it to Jen.

Elrod: Jen it is. And you’re a what?

Jen: A rhesus macaque. I am 2 years old.

Elrod: What’s that equivalent to in human years?

Jen: Not sure. Since we’re both primates I guess we’re pretty equal. I do believe I’m a little more sophisticated though. Have you seen how human 2-year-olds act? They’re crazy people.

Elrod: So, you’ve been missing awhile. I’m assuming you’d prefer I not disclose the location of our interview, but how have you managed to avoid capture? Have you stayed here the whole time?

Jen: No. I stay on the move. A static monkey is a caught monkey. I’m getting kind of tired though. I wish all these people would just leave me alone, get off my back.

Elrod: How have you survived? What have you been eating?

Jen: Oh, you know, I raid the odd garden, find leftovers in the occasional fridge.

Elrod: You mean you go in people’s houses?

Jen: Right through the pet door. Raid the fridge, the fruit bowl, pilfer the occasional pilsner.

Elrod: You drink beer?

Jen: Why not? Humans do. Takes the edge off when you’re on the lam.

Elrod: So you just break and enter and no one is the wiser?

Jen: Sure. A girl’s gotta do what she’s gotta do to survive when she’s on the run. Although this one house was trouble. I should’ve known from the size of the pet door. I go in, right? Thinking I’m going to grab a banana and split. Hee hee! Get it? I kill me sometimes. Anyway, I go through the door — pit bull on the other side.

Elrod: I bet that woke you up.

Jen: Those things are nuts! Chased me right back out and up a tree. Lucky for me, tree climbing is sort of my thing.

Elrod: Then what did you do?

Jen: I threw something at him. I’d rather not say what it was, but he won’t forget it.

Elrod: We can infer. Let’s change directions. Any truth at all to the rumor that you are infected with some sort of manmade supervirus that, should you bite or scratch someone, will start a zombie apocalypse?

Jen: No truth at all. I am not a monster. I am a monkey. I don’t have a zombie virus, AIDS, sleeping sickness — I’ve never even had a cold.

Elrod: What about Herpes B?

Jen: Absolutely not! What kind of a girl do you think I am?

Elrod: But being on the run, you would confirm that you are dangerous.

Jen: If you see me, your best best bet is to go the other direction. I’d appreciate if people gave me a headstart before they called the fuzz though. I mean, it’s not like they’re offering a reward. Why not leave me be, you know, a little primate courtesy?

Elrod: So should people be afraid?

Jen: I wouldn’t necessarily be afraid. But I ain’t going back to the slammer without a fight.

Elrod: If you’re trying so hard to stay incognito, then why the Twitter account?

Jen: That isn’t me. Ooooor maybe it is. Misdirection always helps when you’re running from the authorities.

Elrod: Assuming you avoid capture, what is your ultimate goal?

Jen: To make it over to Asia. I’ve got family there. I’m pretty sure my uncle can hook me up with a job in computer customer service.

Elrod: And if you’re captured?

Jen: What else? Hire an agent, write a book, wait for a reality TV deal.

Elrod: You think people would watch a reality show about a monkey?

Jen: Do I really need to answer that?

Elrod: No. No you don’t.

Email Nate McCullough at nate.mccullough@gwinnettdailypost.com. His column appears on Fridays. For archived columns, go to www.gwinnettdailypost.com/natemccullough.