Hey, guys -- still wondering what to do for your wife or girlfriend today? How about whisking her off to Paris, which may be the only place on earth where you can declare your undying affection by presenting her with a human heart.
That's according to a French gentleman named Nicolas Garreau, whose Paris-based company specializes in providing unique ways for clients to say "I love you" while in the "City of Love."
In fact, Garreau's firm, Apoteo Surprise, offers more than 30 different "romantic scenarios," including "Say I love you with a human heart." Turns out it's a guy (or maybe even a Guy) dressed up in a giant heart costume.
Clearly there are certain nuances of the English language that M. Garreau hasn't fully mastered, which puts him about on par with most Americans. That's apparent on his Web site, (www.apoteosurprise.com), where he lists a variety of other romantic scenarios, such as:
"Say I love you with a delivery man." (You know, I think that's what led to my neighbors' divorce.)
"Say I love you with a dove." (Yes, but will it still respect me in the morning?)
"Say I love you with a bellboy." (Note to self: When in Paris, keep wife away from fancy hotels.)
"Say I love you while flying with a poem." (I used to fly with poems all the time, until the airlines started charging me extra for them.)
"Say I love you on an advertising van." (OK. Will it be parked or moving?)
"Say I love you on the wings of an airplane." (But will anybody be able to hear me over the wind? And hey, can I at least bring my poem?)
"Say I love you in a drive-in theater." (Are we talking about the Paris in France or the one in Texas?)
"Say I love you by projecting under the Eiffel Tower." (I guess that would go something like this: "You've never really loved me! You say you love me but you really don't!" "Honey, calm down, I think you're projecting.")
"Say I love you with a laser." (I know that's always been my dream: "Oh, Sweetheart! I love you, too -- Ah! Ah! Ah!")
I'm not mocking M. Garreau, who seems like a very nice, well-spoken, earnest gentleman. And his company really does provide some very unique experiences, as long as you have at least 290 euros, which these days is like, I don't know, $4 million or something.
But I guess it's a little too late to fly to Paris for this Valentine's Day, so you're probably stuck with the sappy card and the cheap box of candy. Maybe next year you and your beloved can indulge in one of M. Garreau's juicy scenarios.
And if you can't wait that long, you're welcome to borrow my laser.
Rob Jenkins is associate professor of English at Georgia Perimeter College. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.