For weeks, I awaited a call from Gov.-elect Nathan Deal informing me that I would be a member of his transition team. The call never came.
It could have been my fault. We have a thingamabob on our telephone that blocks calls from people selling aluminum siding, grave plots and magazine subscriptions. These are defined as “nuisance calls.” There is a distinct possibility that Mr. Thingamabob took it upon itself to assume that all politicians are a nuisance, too, thereby blocking a call from Mr. Deal.
In retrospect, it is just as well I didn’t get selected for the transition team. They will soon be gone like snow in July (that is, everywhere but in Vermont.)
The real power is heading up one of the several million agencies, departments and authorities that populate state government like fleas on a yard dog. There has to be one that I could run if I could just talk to Nathan Deal. I told Mr. Thingamabob to let the governor-elect’s call through because I was sure if he got me on the phone, he would not try to sell me aluminum siding or grave plots or magazines. There is a certain amount of trust that is required in high-level government work.
Alas, I have already lost out on a number of state jobs for which I am eminently qualified — like executive director of the Georgia Environmental Finance Authority. That would have been a slam dunk. I live in Georgia. I recycle and I can balance my checkbook. Duh.
I was given no consideration for the Georgia Music Hall of Fame position even though I know the words to “Georgia on my Mind” by heart. My inability to hit a fairway wood probably cost me the job as head jock of the Sports Hall of Fame.
I missed out also on running the North Georgia Mountain Authority. That one hurt. I am an authority on the North Georgia Mountains. I sit on my back porch at Big Canoe and look at them a lot and can tell you with authority there are a lot of bears in those mountains. Bears will eat you if they get the chance. That’s why I stay on the back porch.
The Jekyll Island Authority would have been a great assignment for me, too. I could wear flip-flops to work and not have to worry about getting eaten by bears.
There are still a few jobs available in the state for which my skill sets are a perfect fit. My first choice would be the Go Fish, Georgia Authority. This organization would promote the legacy of Gov. George E. Perdue for having made Georgia a major player in the competitive international marketplace of the 21st century through fishing tournaments. Our bass will be imported from Bolivia.
I am interested also in the job to head up the Commission to Keep Your #@^$&* Hands off Public Education. The commission will closely monitor self-serving politicians, dysfunctional school boards, make-work central office staffs and assorted education bureaucrats who tend to stick their noses into public education to the point where teachers can’t teach for filling out forms. Violators will be required to direct afterschool traffic in the rain and take furloughs.
If I lose out on those two plum jobs — and, frankly, I’m not hopeful — perhaps Gov.-elect Deal will consider me for Supreme Traffic Czar. We have serious transportation issues in the state and one of the things that would help alleviate the problem would be to exterminate the idiot drivers.
I would be outfitted with a M240E4 machine gun capable of firing 950 rounds a minute. That should be sufficient to blow away vehicles weaving in the middle lane of the Interstate while some self-important jerk yaks on his cell phone. I would also take out all the pickup truck drivers who don’t turn on their lights when it’s raining — this will eliminate roughly 90 percent of the pickup trucks in Georgia — and say “Go ahead, make my day” to anybody who cuts in front of me without using their turn signals, which would mean significantly fewer SUVs on the road. The good news for the state is that I would do this job for free.
Now, if you will excuse me I need to get back to the phone and await my call from Gov.-elect Deal. I don’t trust Mr. Thingamabob to be of any help in this matter. He voted for Otis Putnam.
E-mail columnist Dick Yarbrough at email@example.com. For archived columns, go to www.gwinnettdailypost.com/dickyarbrough.