Welcome back to my annual “Stupid Things I Have Said” self-flagellation fest, part two. Please note that you are witnessing a new record: Never before have I said so many stupid things in one year that it took two columns to cover them all.
Back in July, commenting on the recently completed World Cup, I stated that “nothing much happens in soccer,” which prompted several guys (Guys?) to spew their Perrier and send me nasty e-mails on their iPhones.
Obviously, I failed to make myself clear. I meant nothing much happens ON THE FIELD. Sure, lots of stuff happens in the stands: assaults, muggings, maybe even the occasional murder. But the action on the field is nothing like American football, where assaults and muggings are part of the game.
In June, chronicling our failed attempt at a yard sale, I noted that “apparently everything we own is divided into two categories: stuff we can’t bear to get rid of for what someone might be willing to pay, and stuff we can’t seem to sell at any price.”
Well, it turns out there’s a third category: Stuff that belongs to our grown children but which we are “storing” until they can come get it. This became apparent as I was sorting items for the next yard sale and found myself having the following conversation:
Me: Hey, I bet some rube would give us 20 bucks for this.
My wife: No, that goes to Jenny and Ben. Put it in the basement until they can come get it.
Please note that my daughter Jenny and her husband Ben live in Idaho. Hey, I have an idea. Instead of hauling all their stuff out there, why don’t they just move into our basement?
In May, speaking of our Homeowner’s Association, a.k.a. The Yard Police, I said something about “the people who walk our neighborhood with notebook and pen.” Of course I was talking about amateur lawn sleuths. Turns out the professionals are much worse.
Our subdivision has now hired a management company, which means that our Yard Police are not only petty and inane but also faceless and unresponsive. At least I could annoy my neighbors.
And finally, writing last February in praise of political gridlock, I noted that, on a national level, gridlock seems to be a good thing. Statistics show that deficits are larger when one party controls both the legislative and executive branches. I then wondered aloud if the same formula might work for Georgia.
Well, that was a stupid thing to say, because it was never going to happen. In November, Georgians voted Republicans into every single elective office within the executive branch. The GOP also continues to control both legislative houses.
Now we’ll see if the state fares any better when Republicans get to do whatever they want than it did back when Democrats enjoyed the same monopoly.
Rob Jenkins is a freelance writer who lives in Lawrenceville. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.