(The following is for those who are not 14-year-old girls and have therefore not yet seen the latest installment in the "Twilight" series, "New Moon." Summit Entertainment has authorized me to write it, provided I do so with my shirt off.)
The Cullen House
Cullens: (singing) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Bella, we want to suck your blood!
Bella: Oh, Edward! What a great surprise party. Here, let me open this card. (She cuts her finger.) Look, blood!
Jasper: (springs at Bella) Grrrr!
Edward: No you don't! (He and Jasper fight.)
Edward: Come, Bella! We must leave at once!
Bella: But I haven't had any cake!
Edward: You ARE the cake!
Scene II: The woods near Bella's house
Bella: Oh, Edward. You are so beautiful and gorgeous and handsome. I can't take my eyes off you.
Edward: Neither can I.
Bella: I love you, Edward.
Edward: I love you, too, Bella. But you're not safe with me. My family wants to suck your blood.
Bella: Isn't that what in-laws do?
Edward: Perhaps. But I will not be responsible. I'm leaving now.
Bella: Oh, Edward! What will I do?
Edward: I suppose you will pine for six months. (He leaves.)
Bella: (Pines for six months.)
Bella: It's been six months and I still feel so awful and terrible. I know! I'll visit Jacob. He's cute and cuddly and has great abs. He'll make me feel better.
Bella: Oh, Jacob. Edward has left me.
Jacob: The fiend! But you're better off without him. Now you can have me.
Bella: I don't want you.
Jacob: But Bella, I love and adore you. And I have great abs.
Bella: Well, there is that. ...
Scene V: Bella's bedroom
Bella: Edward, is that you?
Edward: Yes, Bella. I'm back. I couldn't stay away.
Bella: Oh, Edward. You are so good and noble and beautiful.
Edward: I know. But enough about that. We must flee. Evil vampire lords are searching for you. They want to suck your blood.
Bella: Here we go again.
Scene VI: The woods near the reservation
Edward: Hello, Jacob.
Jacob: Hello, Edward.
Edward: I'm sorry, Jacob, but Bella is mine.
Jacob: (Whines and scratches behind his ear with his foot.)
Edward: Bella, I think Jacob is a werewolf.
Bella: Really? What makes you think so?
Bella: Edward, why are we here?
Edward: This is the home of the Volturi, the oldest and most powerful vampire family. They also run a tourists' all-you-can-eat buffet.
Bella: Really? What's on the menu?
Edward: I told you. Tourists.
(OK, I'm not going to give away the ending here. I know you're eager to find out, but you'll just have to keep your shirt on.)
Rob Jenkins is associate professor of English at Georgia Perimeter College. E-mail him at email@example.com.