Hi, and welcome to another edition of Nate Network News. Today, we want to take you immediately to our correspondent, Elrod Fontana, who is live in Washington, D.C., where the Greatest Inauguration in History will take place just four days from now. Elrod?
Elrod: Nate, I'm here, live, at the newly renamed Clinton-Pelosi-Washington Memorial on the Mall in Washington, D.C., where crews are working tirelessly to transform our nation's capital into a site worthy of the event slated to take place here on Tuesday. Some call it Obamastock, others have dubbed it Barackapalooza, but by whatever name, it all means one thing: the biggest gathering in all of liberaldom to annoint, uh, inaugurate our nation's savior, Barack Obama.
The preparations here are, in a word, stunning. In honor of the Democrat triumph in November, all the grass on the Mall is being painted blue. Nearly every celebrity in Hollywood has been booked to either perform or speak at length, and in a moving environmental tribute, every tree in Washington will have its own personal hugger on Tuesday.
(cut to video clip of Gretchen Vegan-Hugiere, head of People for the Ethical Treatment of Trees)
Gretchen: We just want to make sure that each tree here in Washington feels a part of this tremendous celebration. You know, trees are people, too, and we just can't wait until President Obama gives them equal rights.
Elrod voiceover video clips of tree-hugging preparations: And to make sure all trees are included, PETT has recruited the help of thousands of environmentalists, slacker college kids and unemployed hippies, each of whom has been assigned their own personal tree to hug during the inauguration.
Gretchen: We used to chain ourselves, of course, but the steel hurt the trees, and since we'd obviously never use plastic, we just thought "Why not just good, old-fashioned human arms?" Unless you don't have arms, of course, in which case you may kiss the tree. We don't discriminate at PETT.
Elrod: Other preparations are similar in scope. Tomorrow, a group of wealthy elites will travel to nearby Baltimore, where they will attempt to buy every handgun in the city. The guns will be given to community artist Sven Pigueslfy, who will turn them into a sculpture to be unveiled here on the Mall on Tuesday, the title of which will be, I'm told, "Warm Hearts from Cold Steel."
Then on Sunday, a spiritual leader from the Church of the Grateful Dead will lead an all-inclusive, nondenominational, self-awareness meeting, blotter acid optional, of course. And Monday, will see the No More Mortgage Celebration, during which members of the activist group Fighters for Rent, Employment, Education, Legally Owed All Despite Economic Ruin will symbolically burn the nation's mortgage in anticipation of the millions whose mortgages will be paid by the government in the coming years. The fire, of course, won't be a real fire, since that would damage Mother Earth.
And all of it, of course, leads to the big day, Tuesday, when everyone here believes all of our problems will, in all likelihood, be over. At least by the afternoon.
Nate: And what of the weather forecast for the festivities, Elrod?
Elrod: I'm told Mother Nature has deferred to the President-elect and will order up whatever weather he asks for. At the very least, we expect a rainbow.
Nate: And what of the current president? Any word on his plans for Tuesday?
Elrod: Glad you asked, Nate. A memo released from the White House just a few moments ago said the soon to be ex-president will be, quote, on the first thing smokin' out of town as soon as he hears Barack say "I do solemnly swear," unquote.
Nate: Yes, I can imagine he's ready to go.
Elrod: A lot of people here are ready, too.
Nate: OK, thanks for that live report, Elrod.
Turning to sports, the owners of all professional sports teams announced in a joint statement today that in lieu of the change in leadership, all sports will now share one common rule: Quote, anything goes, unquote.
We'll be right back, after this commercial for the ACLU ...
E-mail Nate McCullough at email@example.com. His column appears on Fridays.