I've never been able to keep New Year's resolutions.
I guess I'm not much different than most of you. But I really don't do well at keeping them. In fact, I usually can't even remember what they were by the end of January.
So this year I'm going to try something new: reverse psychology. I'm going to sneak up on my brain (and will power) and try to trick myself into doing a few of those things I've never been able to do in years past. So without further ado, I resolve to:
Gain weight. Lots of weight. I'm going to eat chicken wings by the bushel and Reese's peanut butter cups by the sackful. Tacos, steak, hamburgers and pasta, pasta, pasta! I'm going to shovel fried foods and sugar in this year like it's the last year. And I'll wash it all down with a few hundred gallons of Coke. And lots of heavy beer. (And absolutely nothing with the word "Lite" in it.)
Never exercise. I won't get off the couch any more than absolutely necessary. I won't carry anything anywhere. I won't walk when I can ride. And why bend over when you can buy one of those grabber things to pick stuff up? Come to think of it, why pick stuff up at all? That backpack and tent I bought? Both will stay in the corner all year long. As a matter of fact, not only will I not move them, but I'll try to see if they can actually gather a full inch of dust.
Spend more and save less. I'll be spreading what little money I have around like a drunken sailor in 2010. Impulse buying will be the rule of the day, every day. I'm getting the platinum level package of everything. I'm buying a really expensive car. I can't wait to empty my bank account buying stuff I don't need. No more silly expenses like dentist appointments and day care. This year, I may not need it, but I'll have it. With any luck, I'll hit six figures on my Visa.
Be less organized. I'm throwing away the new Blackberry as soon as the peach falls. No more writing stuff down, no more calendars, no more lists. I won't listen to voice mails, so don't leave 'em. Post-It notes? Crumpled up. E-mails? Deleted without reading them. Making it up as I go, that'll be me in 2010.
Work less. A lot less. And that's both at home and at work. I want my picture next to the word lazy in the dictionary. I want my boss to forget my name because he never sees me. And no more chores around the house, period. (My wife might say that I've already accomplished that last one.)
Be meaner. Yelling and screaming, that's the way I'm going into 2010. No more compliments, no more smiles, no more friendly waves. If I can't say something nasty about someone, I'll think about it until I can. Cashiers, don't bother telling me to have a nice day. You probably won't want to after I'm done with you. That fat guy cussin' you out for no reason in 2010? That'll be me.
Learn nothing new. No new skill sets for me, no exciting new frontiers, no new hobbies. As a matter of fact, I think I'll try to forget some of the stuff I do know.
And finally, I resolve to:
Do everything on this list.
And this time, I mean it.
E-mail Nate McCullough at email@example.com. His column appears on Fridays.