I'm in the middle of a two-week vacation (two weeks!), something I can't remember having since I was in school (unless you count the two and a half months I took when I ran screaming from my last job and wound up here.)
Anyway, the point is, to quote one of my favorite movies, the dude is not in. So, I have decided to let my good friend and mentor, Elrod Fontana, take my place this week. (You can send the hate mail to him.) - Nate
As you can see, Mr. Lazy Butt is at home in the recliner with a frosty mug, not doing his Honey-Do list, not getting any novels read, not working on his own novel (now in its 10th year of incompletion), not getting anything constructive done whatsoever, and certainly not writing his weekly column, which I'm sure is sad news to at least three people, if you count his mama.
I really didn't even want to do this, but you know how journalists are. A bunch of whiners and crybabies. "Oh, Elrod, we work all the time, odd hours of the day and night, weekends, holidays, whenever the news happens, we're there. We deserve a break."
Yeah, right. As a buddy of mine once said, they gave you a break when they hired you.
Those folks wouldn't know hard work if it bit them on the notepad in their back pockets. They may have ink in their veins, but did you ever see one with dirt under his fingernails? Me neither.
Anyway, ol' what's-his-name who's always pestering me for ideas and opinions asked me to fill in for a week while he takes what I'm sure he believes is a well-deserved vacation, so here I am. And I'm having a good time making fun of these media types and their ridiculous shenanigans, so I might as well stick to that subject.
Have we elected Obama our new Lord and Savior yet? I keep expecting any day now to hear how he's walked on water or fed the masses with a box of Krispy Kremes and a Thermos of coffee. That guy has made more promises than a teenage boy on prom night. And those media folks are buying every bit of it.
You remember, of course, these are the same folks who annointed Clinton part deux way back when. Until they found out this Obama fellow actually had a legitimate shot, and then they dumped Billary like she was an ugly girl on a blind date. The pointy-headed political "analysts" sucked in all the hot air Obama was blowing like he was the second coming of JFK.
And speaking of big winds, are we about through with hurricanes? If I see one more goofball TV reporter standing outside trying to show me how hard it is to walk in 100 mph gales, I think I'm going to cancel my cable.
You are not impressing me by being in the hurricane. You are showing me how stupid you are. To quote the great philospher Ron White, "It's not that the wind is blowing, it's what the wind is blowing." I keep waiting for the day to come when one of these slick TV types is doing his mandatory asphalt surf and he gets hit in the head with a yacht. Now that will be entertaining.
And that's something that's getting harder to find these days - entertainment. Seasons of "Lost" and "Entourage" come around about as often as Halley's Comet, so I've been making do this summer with "Wipeout," that show where people run an obstacle course trying to win $50,000. I never get tired of watching those idiots planting themselves face-first into giant red rubber balls or getting pinged around like a pinball on that spinner contraption.
And why did we have to wait so long between seasons of the good shows in the first place? Because writers had to take a break.
Just like ol' what's-his-name.
Anyway, that's about all I can do for him. I hope he remembers this the next time he phones me an hour before his deadline wanting a good idea, or more likely, the next time he calls to borrow money.
He won't, but I can dream.
E-mail Nate McCullough at email@example.com. His column appears on Fridays when he's not farming it out. Do not e-mail Elrod because he doesn't own a computer. And he doesn't really care.