Today is the day for spooks and ghouls, boogums and boogeymen, ghosts and goblins and all your other various creatures of the night. It's a day for dressing up, trick-or-treating, candy, costume parties, high school pranks and watching horror flicks on the tube.
But I personally don't have to watch a monster movie marathon to get good and frightened this year. All I have to do is watch political commercials.
If you believed even half of what these folks are saying about each other - or more appropriately, what they're not saying - you'd think that the very act of casting a vote for anyone at all Tuesday would be akin to signing America's death certificate.
Here's just a taste of the mudslinging:
n Jim Martin, Democratic candidate for U.S. Senate, apparently hates children. When he's not letting them die, he's selling them into prostitution. Acccording to and the GOP, if you vote for Martin, babies will die and all your teenagers will wind up on street corners.
Also, since he voted against making English our official language, if you vote for him, you'll presumably have to learn to speak several other languages if you want to get a driver's license, read road signs and just generally get along. Obviously, a vote against English means eradicating it. So if that's your only language, eventually you won't be able to read the instructions on your pill bottles and you'll poison yourself. Then, when you call for help and the operator says "Nueve-uno-uno. Que es la emergencia?" you won't be able to tell them and you'll die.
Bottom line: A vote for Jim Martin is a vote for death.
n And speaking the Senate race, did you know that Sen. Saxby Chambliss wants to add an extra 23 percent to the cost of everything? He wants to make your food, your clothes and everything else you buy cost a whole lot more while making sure his rich buddies can still afford to buy a different house for each day of the week. The extra 23 percent will, of course, mean that eventually you won't be able to afford food and clothing, so you will starve and die naked.
What's worse, Chambliss lets American soldiers get shot because he likes to supply them with bulletproof vests that are poorly named because they allow bullets to penetrate them.
Bottom line: A vote for Saxby Chambliss is a vote for death.
n Now let's move on to Captain Evil No. 1, Mr. Barack Hussein Obama. Obama is a socialist. And a communist. And a terrorist. If it's bad and you can add the -ist suffix to it, Obama is it. He's also a Muslim, not an American citizen and an enemy of freedom. If you put him in office, we'll all be working on potato farms and end up in Soviet gulags.
Bottom line: A vote for Obama is a vote against the American dream - which is a vote for death.
n As for Captain Evil No. 2, John "I'm not George Bush, but I play him on TV" McCain, well, it's real simple. Vote for him, and he'll bomb everybody. He'll bomb Iran. He'll bomb Pakistan. He'll bomb Vietnam. Sarah Palin will bomb all the caribou in Alaska. They might even bomb you, if you cross them. It doesn't really matter though, because whoever they bomb will bomb us back.
Bottom line: A vote for McCain is a vote for World War III - which is a vote for death.
So what can we learn from all of this? I think it's pretty simple: Vote on Tuesday and you will die.
That's not quite catchy enough though. Let's shorten it up to "Vote and Die." Yeah, that's good. Short and punchy, like a tagline from a good horror movie.
Of course, the real thrill of watching those movies is knowing that even though they're scary, they're not real. They're not very truthful.
Kind of like political ads.
I'm Nate McCullough, and I approved this message.
E-mail Nate McCullough at firstname.lastname@example.org. His column appears on Fridays.