It's time once again for that popular year-end feature, "Stupid Things I've Said," in which I review the not-so-bright statements that have been printed in this space over the last 12 months.
Actually, if you're wondering why you haven't seen this feature for a couple of years, it's because I didn't say anything stupid during that time.
Yeah, right. That could happen only if I stopped writing altogether. Truth is, I didn't publish a "Stupid Things" column last year because I'd said so many stupid things I couldn't fit them all into one column.
In 2008, however, having converted to Yellow Jacket-ism, I managed to reduce my verbal gaffes to calculable levels. For example:
Back in February, in "Exploding some myths about love," I wrote that any young man who married my daughter would need to have, at a minimum, "a job ... health insurance ... [and] a car that runs."
That was right before my daughter got engaged - to a young man who had exactly none of those things. Whoops.
Of course, he's still in school, pursuing a professional degree. One day, no doubt, he'll have all of the above and massive student loans to boot. In the meantime, my daughter graduated and got the job, the insurance and the car. So I guess that counts. For now.
In May, writing about the reasons we need a playoff system for Division I college football, I said, "I hardly think, for most players, two extra games would mean the difference between winning a Rhodes Scholarship and going through life as a fry cook."
Enter Florida State safety Myron Rolle, who a few weeks ago was actually named a Rhodes Scholar. Rolle hasn't said so specifically, but I'm sure not having to participate in those pesky postseason playoff games was integral to his academic success.
Then again, during Rolle's four years, FSU wouldn't have been participating, anyway.
In July, I penned one of my most controversial columns ever, "Top 10 reasons not to get a tattoo," one of which was that "on the pain scale, [getting a tattoo] is right up there with filling up the gas tank of your SUV."
Silly me. Although gas prices have fallen off quite a bit lately, there was a time back in September when I would gladly have rented out my skin as advertising space to pay for a fill-up.
And finally, I was accused a few weeks ago of being hysterical for saying I'm not sure if this time next year I'll still be able to listen to what I want on the radio. So let me revise that: if the President-elect gets his way, I'm confident I'll always be free to listen to any type of speech I choose.
As long as the speaker isn't named Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Neal Boortz or Glenn Beck.
Rob Jenkins is associate professor of English at Georgia Perimeter College. E-mail him at email@example.com.