Dear Gov. Perdue:
When you decided to run for governor a few years ago, I'll bet you never thought you had signed on to manage the worst water crisis in our state's history. Usually, our governors just make a lot of speeches and issue proclamations and talk about how they are going to improve public education.
According to the polls, most Georgians think you are doing a good job with an issue that has been around for the past 20 years or more. So do I. Oh, there are some Democrats who claim the crisis would never have occurred had their party still been in power, but they had a decade or so to deal with the issue and didn't do squat. Now, they and their media buddies are trying to blame you for the mess you inherited. Please remember they have also blamed you for global warming, the war in Darfur and the heartbreak of psoriasis.
My purpose in writing is to offer you my assistance in bringing the crisis under control. I would have written sooner, but I have been very busy lately kicking a plethora of pompous people in their posteriors. I know being governor of Georgia is a hard job at times, but being a modest and much-beloved columnist is no piece of cake, either.
Fortunately, I am here now and ready to help. First off, let's all remember that the water flows through Georgia before it gets to Alabama and Florida. If we don't send it, they don't get it, which means that the governor of Alabama needs to work on his attitude if he wants some of our water.
I'm tired of his smart mouth. If he wants to keep using the executive potty, I would suggest he be a little nicer and quit threatening us. I suspect you could cold-cock him into West Virginia if you wanted to, but cutting off his water supply and making him use the outhouse would accomplish the same thing.
Besides, it's no big deal. I have been to Alabama. They have lots of outhouses.
Florida's governor acts like he doesn't have a dog in the fight. He is probably embarrassed that his state university got its butt whipped by our state university a couple of weeks ago and he doesn't want to do anything to rile us up. We might sic Knowshon Moreno on him again.
Let's keep sending him some water. He can decide on his own whether he wants to share it with his constituents or with a bunch of inedible mussels that can't vote.
I know the Army Corps of Engineers controls how much water gets sent downstream. How to handle that complex matter stumped me until I went to consult with Tommy the Barber.
Tommy reminded me that all the lakes in the state that are operated by Georgia Power seem to be full all the time. Therefore, he thinks you should turn the rest of the lakes over to the power company to run. Tommy says you need to call out the National Guard and give the Corps of Engineers five minutes to get off the property. If they make a fuss about it, Tommy suggests you shoot them.
As with most of Tommy's ideas, it is a bit different, but I told him I would be sure and pass it along to you. Tommy is a great American.
Finally, I saw that we canceled a couple of bass tournaments that were part of the "Go Fish Georgia" program you created. No need to do that. Tell the fisherman to come on. Instead of sticking hooks in their thumbs and puttering around in expensive bass boats looking for fish, they can just walk out in the middle of the lake and pick up those suckers with their bare hands. We'll have more happy fishermen than we know how to handle. (Now you see why I get paid the big bucks.)
I hope these suggestions will be helpful as you manage our water crisis. Keep up the good work. It will please your friends and confound your enemies.
E-mail columnist Dick Yarbrough at firstname.lastname@example.org.