In the words of Axel Foley, I'm on vacation.
So here, in no particular order, are some things I will not be doing this week:
• I will not read any news story that I don't want to read since I will not have to proof or edit any of them.
• I will not go to any meetings.
• I will not worry about illegal immigration, President Bush, Iraq, Obama, Hillary, Sonny or any other political person or topic.
• I will not watch any newscast that begins with the word "Paris."
• I will not wear anything dressier or less comfortable than jeans or shorts.
• I will not get up until I'm good and ready. Oh wait, I don't do that now.
• I will not check any voicemails or e-mails that have to do with work. Everybody always does that. They go on vacation and they say, "I'll be checking my voicemail and e-mail, and here's my number where I'll be if anybody needs me." I've done it, too. Not this time. What's the point of getting away if you're going to stay connected to work by cyberwire and phone? I'm on vacation. If you can figure out which lake I'm fishing in the mountains, I'll be glad to answer your question. Otherwise, check with the person I left in charge.
• I will not hurry.
• Ditto for rushing, stepping on it, hightailing it and shaking a leg. I will be much more likely to saunter, stroll, wander, amble or mosey.
• I will not open any mail that looks like a bill.
• I will not suffer in any room that is either too cold or too hot because some moron doesn't know how to operate the thermostat in the breakroom.
• I will not worry about traffic, since I will not be hurrying.
• I will not complain about gas prices, at least for this week.
• Hopefully, I will not get any headaches, and thus I will not have to take any Goody's powders.
• I will not use the grill fewer than three times.
• If I get burned when I can't get the grill grate to slide in the little slots, I will not throw things across the yard like I did last time.
• I will not water my yard. It's all weeds and dust anyway, and I'd rather have enough water to brush my teeth and take a shower.
• I don't care if it's not polite to say it. For this one week, I will not pretend to care about things that I do not really care about.
• I also will not worry about ending that last sentence with a preposition.
• I will not carry anything heavier than the cooler.
• I will not go any higher than pulling fodder or any lower than digging potatoes. I'm not sure I completely understand what that means, but my grandfather used to say it, and it sounds like good advice.
• I will not listen to any stories about dogs. You will only get that if you work with me.
• I will not care that I wrote this column last Friday before I left, so it really should have started by saying here are some things I will not have done by the time you read this.
• I will not care whether or not the previous sentence made any sense.
• If a copy editor takes "or not" out of that last sentence, I will try very hard not to care about that either. But I'd prefer they didn't.
Here's one thing I will do: I'll file a column, since my boss likes for me to do that every week.
Even when I'm on vacation.
Next week, e-mail Nate McCullough at email@example.com. His column appears on Fridays, even when he is on vacation.
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