Hey there, wish I could say it's nice to see you again. Same time every week, you and I, whether I like it or not. A standing appointment, so to speak.
A little leery of what you might say this week. Last week was a little rough, what with the holiday and all. The Fourth of July seems as good for calories as it is for fireworks.
Not sure how healthy barbecue is for you, but I'm pretty sure the various chips and dips that preceded the main course aren't - like my mom's clam dip. Anything that includes sour cream and cream cheese mixed with minced clams and garlic is something that fills me up and sends you spiraling upward as well.
The homemade ice cream to top it off probably didn't help. And yes, wise guy, you did notice correctly, the ice cream wasn't the only topper. There was a cupcake (OK, two cupcakes) and a cookie (OK, two cookies.)
I don't really appreciate you pointing it out, but it's hard, no, make that impossible, to get things by you. And that's why I don't care much for you. You're purely bottom line, letting the numbers speak for themselves.
Thanks to you, most of us can't enjoy things as much as we should. Chicago-style, deep-dish pizza is a concoction seemingly invented by the gods, but cram too much of that pie down your pizza-pie hole and it's you we have to answer too. Same thing with greasy cheeseburgers and greasier fries, or with hot wings and enough bleu cheese dressing to appropriately drown them.
All the while we sit there enjoying those sauce-drenched wings, you just laugh to yourself, knowing it's the carrots and sticks of celery sitting unattended to the side that are what we truly need to keep you in place. I don't give in easily, however, which is why I enjoy thumbing my nose at you by eating those carrots and celery, but not before dunking them in the bleu cheese.
It's moves like that which ensure we'll never be good friends. You like consistent exercise, lean food, plenty of water and walks in the park. I, on the other hand, eat vegetables inconsistently, find it hard not to go back for seconds, drink plenty of milkshakes and enjoy naps in the recliner.
You? You don't do much of anything except sit there and judge others. Nice work if you can get it, I guess. But not overly admirable. Certainly not as tough as pulling away from the table after an amazing bowl of gumbo (or two).
I'm done talking about it, though. I don't like you, and you don't seem to care for me. But that doesn't mean I won't see you again next week - same time, same place.
It will give you another chance to weigh in - and me as well.
E-mail Todd Cline at email@example.com. His column appears on Tuesdays.