Spammers of the world:
This may be the most important e-mail you ever read! If you don't take advantage of this opportunity to quit wasting your time (and mine) you may never forgive yourself! Don't miss out!
Here are some very important things you should know about me:
1) I'm a journalist, which means I don't have any money. Therefore, I will not be buying any stocks from you, no matter how hot the tip. Yes, I know. American Worldwide International Amalgamated Co. Inc. LLC is about to "blow up." I know I'm missing out on making a crazy amount of money. I'll live with the regret.
2) I do not open e-mails with attachments from
e-mail addresses like Harbinger
Foreboding, Indecisive Eggplant,
Special Devine or Bimbo Serial Killer.
3) I do not open e-mails with subject lines like re: question, re: where've you been, or re: information.
4) I don't open e-mails with subject lines like VIAGRA, vIAGRA or
5) Ditto Cialis and Levitra and every possible way you can think to misspell them.
6) And speaking of prescription drugs, I have insurance and there is a pharmacy on every street corner in Gwinnett County. I will not be ordering antibiotics, cholesterol medicine, heart medicine, ED treatments, antidepressants, pain pills or any other drug from your Malaysian Internet "pharmacy" or your South African drug "discounter." I won't be paying $200 for an e-mail "consultation" with your "doctor" either. I'll stick with real doctors and pharmacists, thank you.
7) I don't have an account with your "bank." I am not confused about this. I know exactly which people with whom I do business. I am not going to suddenly say, "Wow, maybe I do have an account with Fifth Third Bank, and maybe they really do need my Social Security number and $100 immediately." I've missed a credit card payment or two in my life. They don't e-mail you. They call. A lot.
8) I know my way around Paypal and eBay. They're reputable companies. I have a hard time believing that both of them forget my personal information once or twice a month. And by the way, I don't know if it does any good, but I report every phishing e-mail to them.
9) I do not believe you when you say if I'll just forward this to everyone I know that everyone in Somalia will get to eat tonight or a little girl in the Congo with two heads will get her operation. What I do believe is you are trolling for more e-mail addresses so you can annoy more people. I won't help you.
10) This last one goes out to that guy in Nigeria. I am truly sorry that your great-grandfather, the Adjutant Assistant to the Executive Secretary General for the Ambassador's Accounting Office, was killed along with his whole family (except you, unfortun ... uh, fortunately) in a terrible car crash on a mountain pass. He was a true diplomat and will be missed. And the fact that your country is embroiled in political conflict that has forced you into hiding is doubly tragic. I hope and pray that one day you will find your way to freedom. I also hope you find a way to smuggle your $14 million (U.S.) inheritance out of the country. I'm sure you will do great things with it. After all, you are obviously a generous man, as you have offered me, a total stranger, $4 million to help you. But I'm afraid I'm not your guy and I just can't give you my checking account number.
I think that about covers it. If you'll remember these simple rules, we'll both be a lot happier.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to wire $500 to Canada to cover some administrative expenses. It seems I've won $1 billion in their lottery.
Nonspammers may e-mail Nate McCullough at firstname.lastname@example.org Have any thoughts about this column? Share them with us at email@example.com. Letters should be no more than 200 words and are subject to approval by the publisher. Letters may be edited for style and space requirements. Please sign your name and provide an address and a daytime telephone number. Address letters for publication to: Letters to the Editor, Gwinnett Daily Post, P.O. Box 603, Lawrenceville, GA 30046-0603. The fax number is 770-339-8081.