It seems O.J. Simpson likes to open wounds. In the latest dispatch from the world of the surreal, the former star football player and murder suspect has agreed to a two-part interview on Fox to pitch his new book, "If I Did It."
For those who've been on another planet for the past dozen years, Simpson was accused in 1994 of the brutal slayings of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown, and her friend Ronald Goldman. After a yearlong trial, an L.A. jury found that, indeed, they must acquit. After his release, Simpson vowed to find the "real killers" and has apparently spent the past decade searching high and low for them on most of America's golf courses.
After failing for so many years to discover the whereabouts of the real perpetrators, now it seems even "The Juice" himself is beginning to suspect, well, himself.
The book, which publisher Judith Regan says she considers "his confession," will detail how Simpson would have committed the murders, if he'd committed them, which of course, he and a not-so-color-blind California jury say he did not.
But if he had, Simpson would like to clear a few things up.
In the book, Simpson will apparently tell us how the murders would have happened - according to one news account in vivid, bloody detail - if he were responsible. Never mind all that boring court evidence that just got in the way of his acquittal. Here's the story right from the horse's mouth, hypothetically speaking, of course.
I don't know about you, but I simply cannot wait to hear how Simpson would have stalked the mother of his children and her friend and then butchered them, slashing his ex-wife's throat so violently that her head was almost completely cut off.
And just imagine the glee of the Goldman and Brown families!
Why, O.J. is going to give a seminar on the most painful event in their lives. He's going to recount a scene of unimaginable violence in gory, "hypothetical" detail, breaking open vast emotional scars. Well, what the heck, they probably never would have healed anyway, right?
It gets better. He's doing it just in time for Christmas. Maybe he can give the victims' families autographed copies for stocking stuffers.
And don't forget his children. What better gift for Santa to leave under the tree than a book on how daddy would have killed mommy?
And the best part? Unless he comes right out and says, "I, Orenthal James Simpson, am guilty of the murders," no one can do anything about it.
You see, we have this protection against what they call double jeopardy, which means you can't be tried twice for the same crime. So as long as O.J. keeps saying "if," no one can touch him.
Oh, and all that money he's going to make? Yeah, he's keeping that.
Never mind that he was found responsible for the deaths in a civil trial and still hasn't paid the $35 million he owes for that.
Sarcasm aside, here's a hypothetical situation for you: What if we didn't watch the interview? What if we didn't watch Fox at all for awhile? What if we didn't buy anything from any company that advertised during the interview? What if we didn't buy his book, or any other books for that matter, from the publisher or any retailer that chooses to carry it?
Hypothetically, we could get this book off the shelves and in the trash bins where it belongs quicker than an L.A. juror can say "Not guilty."
In 1934, the vicious serial killer Albert Fish sent to the mother of one of his victims a letter in which he detailed the grisly murder and cannibalism of her daughter. Killing the girl was not enough. Fish derived further glee by inflicting even more emotional torture on the girl's family.
Getting away with murder is apparently not enough for some people.
Hypothetically speaking, of course.
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